And then there were 8. The numbers are dwindling, as is Emily’s patience for the men. This week she was not too keen on the fact the men didn’t come forward sooner about Kalon’s jab at her daughter. If you thought she was testing the guys before, wait until after Kalon pisses her off.
Who Got Kicked Off: Red X’s indicate those freshly eliminated this week. Mushroom farmer out.
One-On-One: Sean’s date card read, “Love takes no prisoners.” Emily’s reasoning, “I thought I would put that on the card because we’re in a prison and love takes no prisoners.” Enlightening commentary. Thank you.
The couple (who would make babies with faces of angels) took a touristy tour around London on what other than a red double-decker bus. Stopping and taking the obligatory pictures at Westminister Abbey, St Paul’s Cathedral where Princess Diana got married, and the random red phone booth.
They also paused at this “Speaker’s Corner” place where people just got up on a stool and jabbered. Sean (I’m assuming by force) got up and talked about love and seeing the eternal devotion his parents have for each other and wanting to find that. His confidence was hot, but the whole thing was a little weird.
Emily’s Thoughts: “Sean makes me feel taken care of. I know it sounds corny but I have butterflies in my heart. I love being around him. It feels right.”
Group Date: The hunks performed a bit of Shakespeare in the park. Travis had a jolly good time. He got to mess around with fake swords and basically relive his childhood. Kalon did not. I think he thought he was auditioning for the role of a lifetime that would catapult him to famedom, because he just sucked the fun out of the role not to mention the romance. Reality check: you’re already playing your role to famedom; it’s the villain in The Bachelorette Season 8. In Emily’s words, “He is way too intense.” Get this. He shooed – yes, you read that correctly – shooed Emily away so he could practice for the play. Maybe I’m just crazy, but I thought you were supposed to try to spend time with the person you are supposedly pursuing/dating. Just me?
Arie and Doug had to dress up as ladies – womp womp. When performance time came around they were good sports about it, but they need to never wear dresses again. Never.
Quotes from the Group Date:
“When he kisses me it’s a little rough and wet and warm. So y’know, two outta three aint bad.” – This quote brought to you by Wolf (aka John aka Data Destruction Specialist) in reference to him having to kiss Doug (dressed as a nurse) during the play. Who would have guessed you had a little funny in you, Wolf. You just keep earning points on the likeability scale.
Ryan: “At the end of the day I know I’m here for the right reason.” – Really? Really? Let’s journey back. If I recall correctly you were gunning to be the next Bachelor. (See Ryan’s quotes from last week.) I think you may need to clarify “right reasons” for me, Ryan.
Kalon vs Emily: It’s going down. I’m happy to report it was Kalon who was on the receiving end of Emily’s choice phrase, “Get the f— out.” Applause please. I mentioned I didn’t like this guy, right?
How it all went down:
Doug let Emily know Kalon referred to her daughter Ricki as baggage. Not cool, Kalon.
Emily’s response and the quote of the episode: “I want to go West Virginia, hood rat, back woods on his ass.” Oh. hell. yes. If I could pull off a “get it girl,” this would be the moment I would use it.
OK so this is where it got awkward. Doug made an announcement to the whole group that Emily had an announcement. So recap: He’s announcing that Emily will be announcing. Got it. Yeah, totally necessary. Thanks, Doug.
Emily gave Kalon a chance to explain. He didn’t deny saying it and interrupted Emily. Mistake number 2. Emily’s response: “I love to hear you talk but not until I’m done.” Oh snap son! Again, appropriate moment for a “get it girl!” The highest of fives! Correction, that had to be the best quote of the episode.
Blah blah blah. Kalon wanted his first kid to be his own. Blah blah blah. Still not denying. Then Emily drops the hammer, telling Kalon, “Then get the f— out.” And she shuts him down saying the conversation was so inappropriate and wasn’t going to have it. Then storms out. Awesome.
Kalon’s interview in the limo ride back to douchebagville: “I did say it and I don’t regret it. I think I’m a stand up guy. I think she deserves a partner who can make her life easier.”
What the what? I’m pretty sure this is Kalon-speak for “I’m an egotistical prick and I don’t care who knows it.”
Needless to say the date was cut short by Emily saying she just wanted to go home to her “sweet girl.”
Rose Ceremony: And the grilling continues. Thanks to Kalon, Emily started questioning if she let other guys-who-weren’t-there-for-her slip through the cracks *cough Ryan cough*. She started putting those boys on the hot seat once again. Emily: “I’d just like to know someone has my back.”
One-On-One or Two-On-One? Jef without the F finally scored a one-on-one after becoming affectionately known as Group Date Master Jef.
Sidenote: I want all of the trench coats Emily was wearing this episode asap. Possessionista? Can you help me out? End of sidenote.
So this date started out rough. They went to afternoon tea, which doesn’t sound completely terrible, until you add in an etiquette teacher. Meet Jean. She corrects everything you do and will be hovering over your shoulder the entire date. Awesome right?
Jeff: “I’m not used to having someone correct me after everything in a date. [Jean] is really really really really really really thorough. I just have Jean Jean Jean Jean in my ear.”
Finally, the pair ditched the third wheel and got some real bar food and beer. Thank heavens. At dinner, Jef addressed the Kalon situation and told Emily, “If Ricki’s baggage then she’s a Chloe purse that I want to have forever.” Jef that is crazy sweet. How long did it take you to come up with that one.
Afterward, they went to the London Eye for dessert. Although, as my roommate pointed out, the desserts remained untouched. Jef’s so confident and comfortable in his own skin and winning my heart over and over, especially when he mentioned having dance parties at home with Emily and Ricki. If it’s possible, Jef without the F, I adore you even more.
Then post a big speech, he finally kissed the girl.
Tweets of the Night:
Ryan – Really pulling out the charm this last episode. He snuck in a couple kisses on the group date and gave Emily a turquoise necklace at the rose ceremony. Emily expressed that he can be manipulative and thinks he can get any girl. She said, “So I keep telling myself keep an eye on him.” – Or y’know your face. Yeah keep making out with him, that’ll show him. he thinks he’s so smooth and can get any girl and here I am falling for him.” Fine keep him around for a little fun on the side, but he is trouble. On second thought…
The general consensus (and by general consensus I mean the small number of friends I’ve unwillingly coaxed into nerdy, in-depth, analytical Bachelorette talk sessions) seems to be Sean, Arie, and Jef battling it out as the top three.
This is also what Jen Frase, author of a snarky, hilarious blog with some commentary on The Bachelorette. (Shout out to Juliana for forwarding it to me.) Jen also has a more detailed list about the dudes still in the running for Emily’s heart.
Until next time, Bachelor Fans! Or in this case, until tomorrow night.