I realize I’m a little late to the party. Okay, so the party may have been raging for quite some time and I’m just now strolling in. But I’ve had a couple draft posts for awhile so Immagonna post these anyway. #hatersgonnahate

I love when ABC releases the bios of the bachelors! I get giddy flipping through the 25 eligible men the bachelorette gets to date and choose from.

I try not to judge, but it just happens. Which leads me to…

It’s snap judgment time! The time before the premiere where I get to shamelessly judge the poor bachelors competing on the show solely based on their online bios. All in good fun. And bonus! ABC posted the questionnaires each contestant filled out when they applied. So I also get to poke at their grasp of the English language too!

First up poor Brian and his salmon colored v-neck. V-necks fine. Deep v-necks…not so much. His favorite movie: The Notebook. On his questionnaire: What’s your best date memory? “Bliss Happiness Feelings.” A man of few words.

Brooks: I love the comments section on these bios. People started rating the bachelors. Some commentators said he had a good showing in the preview clip. Others gave him about a 7 out of 10. Negative points for completely illegible writing. Positive points for crazy hair.

Larry: We have to do something with that hair. His biggest problem he self-reported is his ego. Oh, good.

I’d like to point out that Diogo answered the question “What does your ideal mate look like?” with “Girly.” Thank you, Diogo, that really narrows it down. And he didn’t bother to answer the misspelled question, “Do you prefer a man who wants to be pursued or a man who pursues you and why?” He also apparently likes to take his dates on last minute trips to places like Italy and Disneyland. And he thinks he would be best buddies with John Mayer. In the words of Zak (see below) nopers.

James: When asked “What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?” He answered, “I would love to find the woman of my dreams and if not, meet wonderful new friends.” James, don’t you know this show is not about making friends. At least that’s what I’ve been told.

Robert: I’m judging you AND Brian. I’m gonna tell you this one time. Are you listening? You can’t put The Notebook as your favorite movie. You’re a dude. I shouldn’t have to tell you this. Maybe it is your favorite movie and more power to you, but don’t announce that. Lie. On top of that, don’t follow it up with another chick flick. Yes, Silver Linings Playbook was a great movie and won all kinds of awards, but no. Just no.

Nick M.: Robert and Brian, take a page from Nick M. Please see All-time favorite movies: Training Day, Man on Fire, The Green Mile.

Mikey T.:  A crossfit muscle man. If he were stranded on a desert island he would bring his music, family, and friends. Sooo what you’re saying is, you’d bring everyone down with you. So we’d all die together. Remind me not to befriend Mikey. If he could live in any other time period it would be “the disco era.” Excellent choice, Mikey. Excellent choice. I have to say I also liked his answer to what he was looking for in an ideal mate. Everyone says a friend. Mikey says, “a partner in crime.”

Mike: And the token model with the impossibly, blindingly white smile is…Mike! There always has to be a model on the show. I’m surprised we don’t have any dental hygenists on our hands this season.

Nick R.: Oy. We have a legitimate magician on our hands. Self-proclaimed mama’s boy. Gotta watch out for those. I ain’t yo mama. And he uses phrases like that’s “what makes the milk worth the squeeze.” So. Many. Red. Flags. Run away, Desiree, run away.

Micah: Likes dates in grocery stores and bought a ring after dating for a week. A WEEK. Pump the brakes.

Chris: – A mortgage broker who was drafted by the Chicago Cubs in 2007. AND he wrote poetry. Step aside Des, I call dibs. On that note, I might as well make a list of the ones I call dibs on.

Dibs

Brad: Colorado native. I’ve come to the conclusion all hot men live in Colorado. Are you listening ladies? Must be something in that air, the altitude, the outdoor activities…something. Whatever it is, Colorado, keep doing what you’re doing.

Bryden: Iraq War Veteran, 2nd place at the 2010 National Soldier of the Year competition. I love a man in uniform.

Zak: 1. He used “nopers” when asked if he had any pets on his survey. 2. He loves karaoke, dressed up as a crab, sang Little Mermaid’s “Under the Sea” and crab-walked his way on stage and into my heart.

Zack K.: Overlooking the fact he went to USC (go Bruins), he was drafted to play pro baseball and is a book publisher AND is from California AND he had a golden retriever. Be still my heart.

Okay, so I may have been a little derailed by some of these hotties. Looks like Des has a pretty good group.