It’s week 3 of ABC’s new show and Bachelor Pad replacement, Bachelor in Paradise. Essentially it is The Bachelor Pad without the cash at the end. I know you have all been dying to know what’s been happening and the latest developments. So I’ve put together a few bullets and a bonus recap of week 2 (because you CANNOT miss that one) to save you 6 hours of television greatness and to wow your friends with your Bachelor in Paradise knowledge.

How it works

Similar to Bachelor Pad but without the dough, Bachelor in Paradise is about coupling up and finding the love of your life as a revolving door of hot, eligible bachelors and bachelorettes join and exit the island.

Location: Mexico

Dates: Each week either the men or women are in charge of handing out the roses at the rose ceremony, determining who gets to stay on the island and who is packing their bags home. Random date cards are handed out to individuals on the island who get to choose who they want to bring along and have one-on-one time with outside of the island resort.

Roses: The roses are supposed to signify a person’s desire to get to know the other. Each week they alternate between the remaining group of guys and girls to hand out the roses at the rose ceremony.

The Twist: Each week more bachelors and bachelorettes join the island, keeping the pickings fresh and opening more possibilities for love (and heartbreak).

The Cast: For a complete list of bachelor/ettes to enter and exit the island, visit ABC’s site here.

BONUS WEEK 2 RECAP

If you only watch one episode, watch week 2. It might be the best thing you do all summer.

It starts with the best reenactment on reality television ever produced.

The Reenactment: Beginning with an interview with one of the crew members, we find out the real reason Michelle K. voluntarily left after the first episode of the season. I mean we all assumed she was crazy, but apparently she had a little fling going on with one of the crew members, which is a big no-no in Bachelor land. It guarantees you a ticket home and a pink slip…and in this case, two broken feet.

What Happened: Michelle K. was fooling around with this crew member when Chris Harrison knocked on her door. The crew member, Ryan Putz, got spooked and fearing for his job rushed out to the balcony. Misjudging the drop to the ground, he jumped, breaking both feet. At the time he was making his leap of faith, another crew member was escorting Elise to the show’s psychiatrist. Pause.

Two takeaways from this exchange: 1) They have an on-site psychiatrist because that’s how much this show can mess you up. And 2) That dude jumped off of a balcony because he’d rather risk an injury than get caught with Michelle K.

And we’re back. So he was caught, sent to the hospital, and he admitted on camera what had happened. The crew member who found him and was narrating the reenactment started to chuckle as she was relaying the encounter. And that is the story behind why Michelle K. took herself off of the show.

Elise and Dylan: The rest of the episode was composed of interviews with Elise talking about her love for Dylan and the “bump in their relationship.” That “bump” would be her make-out session in the ocean with Chris Bukowski, after Dylan told her they should both meet other people on the island, because he did not want to be shackled with Elise. There were so many cliches mixed in with her speeches, it was difficult to keep up.

Then! Then! At the end of the episode, Elise offered the rose to Dylan despite him specifically telling her (on more than one occasion) that he would not accept it! Dylan refused it and Elise made a speech to the entire cast. No one knew what she was saying and exchanged uncomfortable glances and suppressed smiles. She rambled on for a good 5 minutes. At one point, the lines from your typical wedding vows, “to have and to hold in sickness and in health,” popped in there. It was beyond fantastic. And the whole time Dylan stood awkwardly by her side, waiting for her to finish. Then after all of that Dylan did not get a rose from another girl and was sent home. It was amazing.

Please read Possessionista’s recap of the premiere. It’s on the money.

Everything Else You Need to Know:

Ben left because he had a girlfriend back home. Surprise, surprise. I never liked that guy when he was on The Bachelorette and I still don’t like him.

Marquel is getting all the ladies. He’s been on at least 3 dates so far – Michelle Money, Danielle Ronco, and Jackie Parr. This last episode he chose to give his rose to Jackie.

The bachelor/ette contestants refer to living life on the island as YOPO. That’s right. YOPO. You Only Paradise Once. Yup.

Can someone please find us an interpreter for Elise because I have no idea if these are sentences she is stringing together or if they’re real words or if she’s stealing lines from television shows? It’s concerning.

Elise’s speech: “Dylan and I can overcome this storm. I as a woman deserve 100 percent and a man that’s gonna fight for her. I know that you know that life brings a lot of ups and downs…” Nevermind. Got it. It’s cliches.

AshLee Frazier has laid claim to Graham Bunn and Graham is not about that.

Lacy paired up with Robert, then immediately kicked him to the curb when Marcus gave her a rose at the first rose ceremony and has been batting creepy, love eyes to Marcus ever since. Robert’s still just chilling.

Clare’s still going on about finding a guy exactly like her dad. In essence, it hasn’t changed a bit since the time she was on Juan Pablo’s season. She’s coupled up with Zach, but Zach is all about meeting new people.

Michelle Money and Sarah Herron have yet to find a connection with one of the guys on the island.

Chris Bukowski is back and hasn’t changed a bit. Still a womanizing man whore, he went after Elise, because he sensed she was the weakest link and his best shot at staying on the island. Then he popped his knee right before his date with Elise. After a visit to the doctor, it was decided he would have to leave paradise. Karma’s cruel, Chris.

WEEK 3 HIGHLIGHTS

Chris Bukowski gave his rose to Michelle Money because he thought she deserved to find love. Then he asked Elise to leave with him because his knee injury meant he could no longer be on the island. Elise took the bait and after only knowing him for 3 days? (1 day? An hour? Unimportant. Love has no timeline. ), she agreed to run off with him living happily ever after. There’s no way that “relationship” lasts outside of the limo ride home. My conspiracy theory is the producers used Chris as a scapegoat to get Elise outta there and preserve some form of decency associated with the Elise name.

There is no way this show makes it another season, but I have to say I am pleasantly entertained. How are you feeling about it so far, Bachelor Fans?