Chris contemplatively sitting on a Harley in a leather jacket overlooking his corn fields of hard work and sweat, the only thing missing a wife to share it with. Amurica.

I had so many oversights before the show. 1. Did not realize it was a 3 hour event. 2. Did I mention it was a 3 hour event? And WHAT a red carpet? Is this real life?

In true ABC fashion, they tried to suck air time away with a live red carpet event interviewing Bachelor/ette rejects and successes in unflattering ensembles. It’s the worst and yet greatest addition to the premiere. Now that they actually have success stories to parade around, they can make it into an even more produced event. I think Bachelor contestants are learning. The more love that you find, the more camera time you get (and the larger the rock!). We saw Andi and Josh, Sean and Catherine, Nikki and…oh wait. And good ol’ manfamewhore Chris Bukowski lurking in the background like a bad New Year’s Eve countdown where you’ve waited all day to make it on camera and strategically shift positions as that son-of-a-gun Jenny McCarthy starts her interviews and blocks your good side.

Who Got Kicked Off: Redhead out. Going home tonight were Amanda, Bo, Brittany, Kara, Kimberly, Michelle, Nicole, and Reegan. Here’s a tip. Don’t bring a human heart on the first date.

 

First Impressions

Flight Attendant Alissa had a cute one. Thankfully this made up for her painfully cheesy extended intro The Bachelor did in her hometown or on a plane rather. She brought a seat belt, told him it was for his safety, and wrapped her arms around him to buckle him in.

Cruise Ship Singer Carly came out with a handheld karaoke machine and a bubblegum pink dress she borrowed from her 12-year-old niece. Sorry, 6-year-old flower girl.

Freddy Kruger Reegan came out with a cooler and a human heart. (She claims it was fake. I’m not so sure.) A cadaver saleswoman? You sell dead peoples’ skin? That’s a thing?? And even if it is. Don’t lead with that. Hi, I sell dead people.

Tara came in in some sexy-fine daisy dukes, legs for days, and plaid shirt, saying she was a country girl at heart. Chris was intrigued. It was perfect! Then she went back and ruined it by putting on a fancy dress and hopping back in the limo and making a second impression. Then she made a third impression, really effing up Chris’ mind, taking home the title of the token drunk. He doesn’t know what to think. Quit confusing him. He has 30 other ladies he’s trying to keep track of. Let’s play 50 shades of Tara. Except switch out shades for states and I think that’s already a show. And I’m pretty sure Kaitlyn has the other covered.

The Twist: Only 15 girls arrived, then they made it seem like those were all who were coming. The cocktail ceremony started and the first impression rose was handed out. Then the others came for a total of 30 girls. Mackenzie is our token single mom! And Kelsey is our widow. Seems random. But you’ll be glad I helped categorize these ladies for you.

And now for the awards

Winner of Where’s the Rest of that Dress? goes to…Brittany! – It’s like a really trashy realty tv version of Gone With the Wind, but instead of drapes, her dress is made of doilies, and instead of being rejected by Clark Gable, she’s sent back home by Millionaire Farmer Chris to continue her training as a WWE diva fighter. (True story. That’s her occupation.)

This was a close call between Brittany and Tara, but Tara just had so many other nominations – Best First impression. Worst second impression. Most drunky. Lucky the Producers Convinced Chris to Keep Her…

And let’s talk about the girl who brought the human heart (ahem, Reegan). Wtf?

Best Comment of the night – Tracy in reference to the fact that there were 30 girls salivating at the chance to grab some one-on-one time with Chris. “The strategy is not to let him come to you.” I like when they talk strategy.

 Although, I suppose strategy is better than talking about onions. Or pomegranates.

These are the ladies you should watch out for.

Jillian – And not because I think she’s a frontrunner. But because I think she could take you dowwwwn. Tenacious is an understatement. The hulk is more accurate. She’s a TV producer and can apparently bench press more than most of your guy friends.

Britt – Because I think she is a frontrunner…maybe by the fact that she got the first impression rose and that they had an intense make-out session by the fire immediately thereafter on night one. Just a guess.

Kaitlyn – He called her a firecracker. Which to be fair she was wearing a red dress so i can see how that would be confusing. She had birds tattooed on her triceps and makes a joke about a tight seal and everyone awkwardly laughs.

Whitney – Whitney is a fertility nurse. You can find her by the high-pitched squeaky voice and dogs traipsing behind her. Sorry, not kind. But kind of true.

Ashley S. – Because she’s legit crazy. Which reminds me…

It’s time to play Drunk or Legit Crazy? Today’s episode includes, Kara, Crazy Eyes, Firecracker Bird Tats, Reegan, Tara and Kimberly. Cast your votes below.

 

If you’d like to nominate a girl for “Drunk or Legit Crazy” please let me know in the comments section and I’m sure we’ll have more later this season.

Then things got weird. I got super confused by Ashley S. who started talking about onions and pointing to imaginary onions asking the camera to zoom in. Then she picks a pomegranate. Um, yeah. I got nothing. 

Mackenzie brought water colors. I love all the throwbacks to kindergarden this episode. Carly with her dress and Mackenzie with her artwork. They should have snack time with Tara. It looks like she could use it right about now.

The Cliffhanger! Kimberly the yoga instructor decided she need to go back in after she had been rejected. Kimberly…Kim…Kimmmm. Don’t do it! Don’t go back! Harness your zen! Do. Not. Go. Back. In. She’s going back in.

Boom. Cut to the season’s previews, including a little rendezvous in a tent that seems to send all the ladies spiraling out of control.

22 ladies are left, and a bajillion cornfield jokes await us, Bachelor Fans. Get Alissa to buckle you up; this season is going to be a good one. Starting with finding out what happens to Kimberly.

I have to say I’m pretty excited for this season. I don’t know if it’s because Juan Pablo has set the bar so low, but Chris could be the seemingly wholesome All-American boy The Bachelor needed to get it back on track.

Until next week, Monday, 8 | 7c!