A bout of food poisoning took me down, but I am back and ready to snark.

Tantra Yoga, Snapchat, and Ashley I. is back from the Badlands with Sis!

Bachelor in Paradise has started! And they’re doing a live after Bachelor in Paradise with audience participation. The absolute worst. Grab yourself another glass of Chardonnay. Although, there are quite a few fun tidbits.

I did learn that Ashley I. brought an entire suitcase of makeup complete with giant light bulbs attached. And that all of the ladies do their own hair and makeup, mostly with the help of Ashley S.

AND they are likely to reveal the next Bachelor on an episode of After Paradise in a couple of weeks. So be on the lookout!

You can read the first recap of Bachelor in Paradise here. It’s pretty steamy. Ashley I. brought her sister on the show, who is basically the twin version of her but not a virgin. Clare is back to find love and goes on a Tantric Yoga date with Mikey, and Marcus and Lacey got married! (Tantric Yoga, for those like me not in the know, according to google and Cosmopolitan.com is “an ancient practice that uses sexual energy to attain higher states of consciousness.” If you’re interested, Cosmo also provided several positions based off Tantra yoga to spice up your sex life.) Mikey was all about it. Clare not so much as you can see in these great short clips by ABC.

The rest of this is old news, but still a fun trip down memory lane.

Congrats to Shawn B.! Snapchat doesn’t lie.

This is the epic snapchat that left Bachelor nation reeling and probably violated some contract Kaitlyn had with the show.

Who got kicked off: We said good-bye to Nick V. for a second time in Bachelor world. With a bad case of deja vu, Nick was sent home as second runner-up in an all too familiar limo ride home. He handled it well. He threw the ring in the limo and also the ring they got in Ireland together. Bitter? Nah.

And then Nick’s mom had a breakdown. No, she didn’t. But she was at After the Final Rose tears in her eyes. I was a little worried she might take down Kaitlyn for breaking her son’s heart. But they seem to be pretty amicable. I thought I spotted a hug between her and Kaitlyn after they brought out Shawn.

But we’re skipping ahead. On to the dates and the meeting of the ‘rents.

Malibu, CA

Malibu was where Kaitlyn had her family met the final two men standing. (Budget cuts obviously. ABC was like no more of these exotic locations. Let’s go to Malibu and use Chris Harrison’s home to stage to meet the parents! Editor’s note: I really don’t know if that was actually Chris H’s house, but I wouldn’t put it past them.)

Both Nick and Shawn met the parents. Both men asked Dad for Kaitlyn’s hand in marriage. And Dad was like yep. Easy as pie.

Mom was impressed with both boys. You could have brought in any strong young chap and she would have been all about it.

Sister was a big fan. She was all about Nick V. and then quickly changed tune after meeting Shawn B.

Kaitlyn, jaw-dropping shocked face, said, “You’ve been a fan of team Nick for a year and after an hour you’re team Shawn?”

Kaitlyn’s sister explained, “It’s the way you are around him.”

Nick

Nick cried when was under pressure by Kaitlyn’s mom to explain his affection for her daughter.

Mom put Nick on the incredibly awkward hot seat, telling him that she was so impressed that he stuck around even after finding out she had had sex with Nick. No, Mom, no! Why?? Sex talk on the first getting-to-know-the-parents day. So great. Mom was so impressed that he was still in love with her and her character.

Marina del Rey, CA

“I need clarity today.” – Kaitlyn. Translation: I need “off camera time.” Off camera time is what the kids are calling sex these days. Kaitlyn went sailing with Nick on their date.

The date with Shawn went less than stellar as the conversation was jilted and Kaitlyn seemed to have a lot on her mind. They went to a winery in Malibu, CA.

These were also the dates where Kaitlyn got presents! As the men attempt to show their final love of her, they each gave her a gift. Nick gave her a double picture frame. On one side was a kind of adorable candid photo of the two of them and the other was a poem he wrote for her. Man, bring back the scrapbooks. I miss those days. Shawn B. actually had a pretty cute new idea. It was a grab bag jar of memories from their relationship.

Rose Ceremony

Took place at the mansion because you know why not. If you hadn’t looked at Snapchat or paid attention to any internet site, you would have been shocked to see Nick step out of the limo first. The producers had set it up perfectly. An awkward final date with Shawn, hot and steamy with Nick…all signs pointed to Viall. Until she stopped him from proposing. Kaitlyn kept justifying saying she needed to take it this far to figure things out. And she told him she had been feeling for him in those moments. Nick’s response was epically great and a reminder of why we keep bringing him back.

Most Quoted Line of the Night:

“What I felt for you was more than just a moment.” – Nick Viall

You gotta hand it to him, Nick V. is one smooth talker.

After the Final Rose

After the Final Rose we also found out Snapchat played a much larger role in Kaitlyn and Shawn’s relationship even before they met on The Bachelorette. Shawn had sent a Snapchat to one of his buds of a screenshot of Kaitlyn on the night she was sent home from Chris’ season with a heart over her face. Who has the heart over their face now? That didn’t make any sense, but it’s happening. You can see that snapchat here on That’s Normal’s funny recap.

Despite rumors that Shawn B. is having difficulty with watching Kaitlyn trounce through her vast array of relationships, Shawn B. came out and wrapped his protective, hulking bicep-laden arm around her and announced he was glad to finally have the chance to speak out and protect her from all of the cyberbullying and death threats related to her sex life. They seem happy. I’m all for it.

I’m usually a big proponent of NOT watching Bachelor in Paradise (and by big proponent I mean I’ve been staunch in its one year running) and not blogging. But this season is just too great. I mean Ashley I. and counterpart sister, who by the way both get to stay if only one gets a rose a week. Kind of a package deal or a two-for-one crazy. And then you have Marcus and Lacey with their wedding officiated by Chris Harrison and done on the island with minimal cost production to ABC because that is not in the budget for all of these weddings! Bachelor/ettes first. Then the rejects. I’m in this season, ABC. What are your thoughts, Bachelor fans?