JJ left voluntarily, but not before giving his rose to Ashley S. Talks with raccoons are over because Clare has left the island for a 3rd strike-out. Newbies entering the scene and messing shit up are Amber, Justin, and Nick. Justin and Nick are pining over Samantha much to Joe’s disapproval. And Amber is stealing Dan’s heart.

Who hands out the roses this week: Ladies

Couples: These are the groups I have conveniently categorized the Bachelor/ette rejects for you to keep up with each week as they mingle and disappear and reappear and stomp on each other’s hearts.

Lifers: Likely to be together for the remainder of the show, unless someone way more intriguing (read: hotter) shows up and breaks up the party. These pairs are the boring ones.

Here to Hook Up: There is some sort of connection. They’re together this week, but who knows what’s around the corner next week. A new date card. A new man or lady. A new cry sesh.

By Default: They have no other options. They’re in it by default. Kind of like the last kid chosen for dodgeball.

Previous Commentary to Catch You Up on the Ebb and Flow of Couples:

Joe’s Rampage:

Joe did not come here to make friends, pissing off ladies and gents alike as soon as his arrival.

Clare was his first victim. Clare and the raccoon had more great talks via epic editing by ABC producers. Clare was all upset because Joe called her out for being on the show 3 times now. I mean it is a lot, Clare. You and Michelle Money can start a club.

Juelia found a connection with Jonathan. Both are single parents. Then Joe was like nope, I need you to keep me on the island until Samantha comes so I can meet her. Swoop.

Juelia in reference to Joe taking her on a date and then promptly dropping her as soon as Samantha arrived on the scene. “I don’t really know why he chose me.” Because you volunteered. He didn’t choose you. You volunteered as tribute. When Joe asked who wanted to go on the date with him, Juelia literally raised her hand. I don’t know why you’re confused Juelia.

Cruise Ship Singer Carly gave up her brother’s wedding day to be on the Bachelor in Paradise. Kirk, did you catch that? If I gave up my sister’s wedding day for a TV show, there would be hell to pay. Probably an arm of the family tree would be chainsawed off or I would be apologizing until the end of time. But you know Carly gave her brother a congratulatory phone call so we’re all good. Haters gonna hate.

In other news, Carly’s vocab solely consists of the descriptor “Freakin’.” It’s freakin’ killing me. Carly and Kirk went fishing and also to the Fantasy Suite private hotel room place. Kirk said he had trepidations about committing solely to Carly, Carly was all in, and Kirk said okay.

It might just be I’m hating because I am jealous of Carly for catching Kirk’s heart.

Who is Kirk? If you’ll remember from Ali’s season of The Bachelorette, Kirk Dewindt was the loveable man who survived a life-threatening illness. It was toxic mold and almost killed him, which gave him such a positive outlook on life and he seems to be a good dude.

Megan arrived on the scene. “Megan is one of my best friends,” said Ashley I.  That doesn’t surprise me. Megan is the lady on Chris Soules’ season that put on his motorcycle helmet and repeatedly hit her head on inanimate objects. Soooo.

Dan was hoping this one was here. Dan as we’ll remember was with blonde, slightly out there Ashley S., but now he’s having second thoughts and has his sights set on Meghan. Then Amber came along and he changed his mind.

Ashley I. is really into Jared. Jared not so much into Ashley I. Ashley I. is still sobbing. Her mascara remains intact.

JJ’s exit interview: “I didn’t find love on The Bachelorette and I didn’t fall in love on Paradise, but I did find myself. And these girls all think I’m awesome. So that excites me.” Please watch the entire recap as told by JJ in this video. It’s quite possibly the best exit interview, with battle drums and patriotic music crescendoing in the background. Go forth, JJ, and find your love. To be clear, the men were handing out roses so JJ did not have to leave. He chose to peace out.

Quote of the Night: “You don’t know broken, until you’ve actually walked in my shoes.” – JJ

A continuation of No Rules! Chris Harrison was like poo poo on Rose Ceremonies, Immagonna do what I want. And he brought back, Mikey AND Juelia so they could annoy the heck out of Joe have a shot at love.

Mikey is back! Did you miss him? He was kicked off like week 2 or 3 or something, but Juelia was like I regret giving my rose to Joe because now I’m kicked off and I kind of had a spark with Mikey. And ABC was like okay, let’s bring you both back and put you two on a wrestling date. No rules. I don’t think they could have picked a better date for Mikey to go on.

Who is Samantha? Samantha Steffen is the girl who said absolutely nothing on Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor.The Inquisitr.com tells all. She is a fashion designer from LA for IDGAF clothing. She comes from a famous line of entrepreneurs. You may recognize her uncle as the founder and CEO of 5-Hour Energy.

In other news, prior to Bachelor in Paradise, Samantha was talking to both Joe and Nick according to Inquisitor. Now Nick is on the island and Joe and Samantha are done and Samantha doesn’t want any more drama.

After Paradise

After Paradise is a part of the show where Chris Harrison sits down with all kinds of celebrities and Bachelor/ette rejects and interviews them. He also polls the audience via Twitter and it’s fantastic. Last week, Chris H. interviewed Joe and Juelia. Joe was very apologetic to Juelia and all of America. He described it as he was disgusted with himself. I believed him. Others were not as convinced.

If you want to read more about the Samantha/Joe and Ashley I./Jared break-ups, definitely hop on over to Possessionista’s recap.

And now you’re all caught up. See you for tonight’s episode. And then again on Monday for the After Paradise. And if that’s too much for you, don’t worry, I’ve stock-piled the wine and am ready to do the research and watching for you.