Kirk and Carly call it quits! Jared breaks up with Ashley I. for the 100 billionth time. And Mikey tries to make one final hail mary before leaving Paradise.

It’s the first part of the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise. The second part 2-hour ending happens tonight at 9|8c!
As soon as Chris Harrison said look around because this was it no one else exciting is coming to the island, reality set in and most everyone said, nope I’m out. It was a race to the minivan. All kinds of familiar faces threw in the towel and threw open the sliding door to the white minivan home.

Who hands out the roses this week: Dudes

Who was sent home: Basically everyone. You name one they probably left. It is slim pickins. There are 4 couples still paired up on the island: Tenley and Joshua, Jade and Tanner, Samantha and Nick, and Justin and Cassandra. That’s it.

 

This week’s episode should have been dubbed Single Parents Anon, because the vast majority of people still on the island were single parents. Where do they find the time to leave for 6 weeks? Doesn’t matter. Cassandra, single mom from Juan Pablo’s season was the last of the newbies to enter the island. She asked single dad Justin on a date. Justin had just gotten an invite on a date from Jaclyn, so he had an awkward conversation that went something like Thanks for inviting me on this date, Jaclyn, but someone way more interesting just came on the island and asked me out so Immagonna take back that yes I just gave you.

Jaclyn tried to take Justin out, but Cassandra accidentally broke up that party real quick. All of a sudden Justin had two options for a date and he chose to accept Cassandra’s invitation.

Jaclyn had no one else to give the date card to so Nick the Dick asked her for it. And she made him roll around in the sand for it. It was pretty great. If you’ll remember from the last season of Bachelor Pad Season 3, Nick outwitted everyone on the show to betray a bunch of relationships and coast to a $250,000 prize. One of the couples he screwed over in the final three couples was none other than Jaclyn. So this was a little sweet revenge for her.

Meanwhile, Mikey ditched single mom Juelia, saying he didn’t have feelings for her. Man, when Chris Harrison asks the contestants to dig deep, they drop like flies.

Jared dumps Ashley I. for the final time. Ashley I. and Jared go on a Fantasy Suite date. Ashley I. still leaves a version but with some sort of whimsical Disneyland princess advice something or other Tenley leaves with her. It was actually really sweet advice. Tenley was trying to comfort her in her break up, saying that even though it hurts and that it didn’t work out with Jared, you look for those qualities in someone else.

Ashley I. did not go so quietly. She made sure she had an audience to announce her departure. As they gathered around for the rose ceremony, Ashley I. decided to break the news that she was leaving. She was like please don’t cry for me in my dramatic departure, and everyone was like okay bye. Guys, guys I’m leaving. Guess what. I’m leaving. Just want to make sure you know I’m leaving. She also got to call her sister in the minivan ride home. It was great.

Last of the Dates:

Samantha and Nick’s date

They had some fancy food that a chef flew in to make. Their conversation went like this:

Samantha: What made you want to pursue me so much. Flatter me. 

Nick: You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

Done. Conversation over. I can’t.

At the rose ceremony

Dan said something in reference to his fleeting relationships with Ashley S. and Amber, that gave Ashley S. hope in her eyes. Then he promptly said, that was great and all but I’m leaving because I didn’t find love. You could see Ashley S.’s heart sink.

Mikey tries to give a rose to a girl he barely knows. Mackenzie was like I don’t think you understand how this show works and said nope sorry I can’t accept that. She too joined the minivan ride home. Mikey, I think, I hope, he was kind of embarrassed by his last ditch attempt to find a make-out buddy on the island, laid down his rose and headed for the van home.

Kirk and Carly Break Up

After the rose ceremony and the next day on the island, Kirk told the guys that he was having doubts and had been for a little bit about his and Carly’s relationship. He was basically panicking now that shit got real. He told them he had to tell her. And so he does. That did not go well.

Carly immediately shut down all feelings. “OK, I wanna go home.”

She heaved forward. “I’m gonna throw up.”

Kirk: “Please don’t throw up.”

Carly threw herself into the comforting arms of Jade. Tenley took to becoming the den mother, preventing Kirk from going in and trying to comfort Carly. Kirk kept begging for Carly to listen to him. I was like I’m listening Kirk! Let me know! But sadly, Carly wouldn’t have it. She did not want to have another conversation where Kirk said he didn’t have feelings for her. So we all lost out on knowing what Kirk had to say. Thanks, Carly. She packed her bags immediately and rushed out of Mexico. Kirk looked shell shocked and said this was the worst break up he’s ever had. Well, yeah. You blindsided her, Kirk. I like ya Kirk, but you can’t go trying to please her and validating her feelings without any indication you’re not as in it as she is. At one point during the episode Carly told Kirk he was her person and he answered with something like “We call that ‘your idiot’ at home.” She said, okay then “You’re my idiot,” and he said, “Me too.” Carly also told him she could see her having his kids. Okay, so maybe that’s a little soon after 5 weeks of knowing a person trapped on an island with limited interactions with the outside world. Just join the Parents Anon club Kirk, it’s totally fine. I could see how that would make a person reassess. I can’t wait until we dig deeper into this on After Paradise. Bring up ALL of the feelings.

Next week, they previewed that someone gets engaged, which would mean this show is 2-for-2 in ending in an engagement. Of the sparse couples left, there is no one that far along in the relationship for a proposal, except maybe Jade and Tanner because we haven’t seen much of them. It could all just be a ruse from ABC producers messing with our hearts again. We’ll find out later tonight.

What are your thoughts and feelings about the Kirk and Carly Break Up?

Who do you think proposes tonight?