**Apologies, I had wrongfully put an X over Jami’s face, when in fact she was one of the lucky ladies sticking around this week. I was distracted by the abundant wine and the heated Bachelor premiere party commentary. It has been updated and shall not happen again.
The Bachelor is Back! The limos are arriving and vino is flowing and all of the ladies are ready to meet the man of their dreams, especially Lace who is ready to take it all the way with a kiss. Ben, true to form as the ever most loveable and wholesome bachelor, calls his dad midway through the limo arrivals.
Who got kicked off: The ladies with the red X’s were sent home tonight. And After The Bachelor continues to happen as we mirror The Walking Dead in analyzing the inane content that The Bachelor provides. How ’bout those twins though.
For your reminders, Amanda is the one with TWO kids, Amber’s been on about a bajillion seasons of The Bachelor as Michelle Money has, and Olivia seems to be everyone’s frontrunner.
The Token Drunk! Yasss! We have our token drunk for the season, Bachelor Fans. Lace. I can’t wait for her to stir up some epic trouble. Lace showed up to the party three sheets to the wind. She gave Ben a peck on the mouth, cheek? for her introduction, and then proceeded to try to make out with him at the party. He had to have a sitdown with her, which I thought was going to lead to her early exit, but no, she was kept around for one more week! Let the games begin!
Best First Impression: I know she got the axe, but Izzy you stole my heart. Izzy rolled up in a onesie, didn’t even bother to change the entire night and introduced herself with a pun. Ben. I just don’t understand. When she introduced herself, adorned in a fleeced pant onesie, Izzy said, “I needed to find out if you’re the ‘onsie’ for me.” I mean it’s literary gold, Ben. Ok, maybe not gold, but top 5 for sure. The rest of them were just awful.
Worst Pick-Up Line: The worst pick-up line goes to Mandi! Exiting the limo with what can only be described adequately as a gargantuan rose hat, Mandi proceeded to let Ben know that he could pollinate it later. Yep. She’s just embracing the weird.
Biggest Offender of Carbs: Nutritional Therapist Breanne was so rightly sent home after she assaulted completely edible carbs on the mansion property. I know the Bachelor mansion isn’t known for it’s carb intake, but what did those poor baguettes ever do to you? Her reasoning was that they were ‘breaking bread’ together, but I mean that’s still creepy.
First Impression Rose: First Impression Rose goes to news anchor Olivia. Olivia told Ben she left her job as a news anchor, which was good, in order to find something that was great. It’s as though it was written for the news. Judging eyes, Olivia, judging eyes. Ben seems to be quite taken by her, so keep her in your brackets, ladies.
Caila: I should love Caila because she lives in Boston and they filmed her in Boston and I should have known they were in Boston so that I could have stalked them in Boston, but I fell off my game. There’s just something about her that doesn’t sit right with me. Maybe because it sounds like she broke up with her bf so she could be on The Bachelor. She jumped into Ben’s arms for her introduction. He kept her. It was alright.
You know who’s NOT off her stalker game, though, is Lauren R. Lauren R. didn’t even bother to wait until she stepped out of the limo before uncomfortably listing off all of the social media stalking she had done on him. Hi Ben, I read your entire online profile front and back, particularly your Instagram. Now who is this girl that you were hanging out with on November 2013? I mean, everyone does it, sure, the stalking I mean. But do I tell my crush I now know what all 10 of his niece’s names are…in alphabetical order? And when his great grandma had her 100th birthday? No. I let him live his life in blissful ignorance and keep that ish to myself. Keep the crazy in.
Most Awkward Nickname: Red Velvet. Guessing game time. Which contestant do you think this nickname belongs to? I’m #TeamRedhead all the way, but you should really help your friends find you a new nickname, Laura, or get some new friends. For redheads everywhere.
Most Creative Introduction? Leah showed up in a gorgeous, sparkly floor-length gown and then proceeded to hike up her gown, bend over, and hike a football to Ben. I mean points for sluttiness-masked-by-creativity are in order here, so I can’t help but slow-clap kudos for you, but let’s keep it classy here, Leah.
Oh, how far we’ve fallen. **PS Fun Fact: Sheila is the name of the Chicken Enthusiast (Tiara)’s pet chicken. An adorable white feathered hen.
Lauren B: Lauren B. (That’s one of the FOUR Laurens. Difficult to keep track, I know, but stay with me.) is a flight attendant and gave Ben H. wings. It’s been done before, but she seems nice and Ben seems to like her, and I’m Team Love so I’ll give her a chance.
Rachel brought her fire-hazard hoverboard to the party. You are not welcome here! Have you not read the news? She’s probably one of the two who don’t enjoy reading.
Maegan: Maegan, while she didn’t win a rose, won at life tonight and I think deserves special praise. Maegan brought a pony to the party. A PONY. Beat that childhood.
They’re Back! Becca the chiropractic virgin from Chris Soules’ season and Amber (also from Chris Soules’ season and The Bachelor in Paradise) returned hand-in-hand in a surprise limo. Okay, maybe not hand-in-hand, but it was in the same limo and super awkward. They had a heartfelt hello with Chris Harrison, and then took Ben H. by surprise at the cocktail party.
Alright! Let’s fill out those Bachelor Brackets, people, and get this ball rolling!
Tweets of the Night: Best tweet of the night goes to @AndiLavs for her ode de carbs. I stand beside her on this one. Carbs are our friends, not meant to be taken down into the dusty cement. Some old timey favorites, Sean Lowe and Chris Soules, also got in on the fun this season. Chris is likely cheering on his old lovers, particularly Becca who made it to his final two on his season. And of course how could you go a full season without a bachelor Twitter Bachelor parody. Hat tip, FakeBachelorBen.
I really need to know, though, which twin makes it the furthest?