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Ben’s already crying because he has to send people home. Lace earned the nickname #LaceFace. Olivia’s slowly becoming everyone’s least favorite girl at the party. And everybody loves Ben.

We had a glimpse of a helicopter pad, but not a helicopter. A hot tub, but not one owned by The Bachelor franchise. There was lots of kissing. More kissing. Some tears, but we can do better. And my girl from San Diego Becca’s showing some personality.

Who got kicked off: The ones with red X’s were sent home tonight. The ones with black X’s were sent home last week. And then there were 2. Lauren “LB” left voluntarily to bring our Lauren count down by 1. She cited the whole environment was too much for her. Jackie’s apple bobbing skills weren’t so hot, and Mandi and Samantha didn’t make the cut.


Ben’s Response After Sending People Home Week 2: “It doesn’t make sense. It just doesn’t. I have to ask them to leave.” Someone get the contract. I think Ben has mistaken his show for Sister Wives. This is not peewee softball, Ben! Everybody does not get a participation trophy. You’ve been on the show! Cowboy up!

Group Date: Bachelor High – A glorious trek back into the cob-webbed corners of high school geography. I thought this date was great. There was science, and PE, and apple bobbing…wait. There were also a shmorgasbord of sexual innuendos. Make Ben’s volcano erupt. More eruption. Becca commented on the size of Jackie’s mouth. Jubilee got Lace as her partner and cursed the day. Mandi won, Amber pouted, and everyone was upset, including Ben. Not really Ben, because he’s a standup guy, but I’m sure deep down he was like how the heck did Rose Hat win?

On the date, Becca and JoJo mistook Indiana for Pennsylvania in a simple map test where you had to place the state on its correct position on the map. It was the greatest day. Maybe not for the state of Indiana, but…

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Becca’s apple bobbing comment: “I bet Jackie’s wishing she had a bigger mouth right now.”

Ben’s comment on apple bobbing: “One of the most attractive things is really seeing them put themselves out there.”

JoJo: Ben saved a special moment for JoJo. He loved her bubbly energy and lack of Indiana state knowledge and wanted to tell her he noticed her. He brought her up to the helicopter pad. “I’ve never been this high before!” JoJo exclaimed. Don’t lie.

Jennifer: I think Ben and Jennifer were talking for all of two seconds at the after party for the group date before he started kissing her.

One-on-Three: The first one-on-one goes to Boston-based, Caila…and Ice Cube and Kevin Hart. Ice Tea and Kevin Hart rolled up to the mansion in a sweet car to accompany Ben on his date. Side note: From what it sounds like, Caila left her bf of one year to come on the show. What we find out tonight is that she met this old bf on a plane to Boston. Then later ran into him on the street. She thought it was fate. They had to be together. Now, maybe I’m just biased, but Boston is incredibly tiny. The chances of you seeing each other again? Pretty great. I mean it’s still an epic story. Don’t let Crazy Kelsey from the Badlands get a hold of it. You keep that story. Though I will say, last time anyone let serendipity decide, John Kusak and Kate Beckinsale spent their whole lives in turmoil. Anywho, Ice Cube and Kevin Hart stole the show. They accompanied Ben on his date, riding backseat to him and Caila and providing much needed advice. They stopped at a liquor store to pick up condoms and some hard alcohol. And went hot tub shopping…at a hot tub shop. Kevin joined Ben and Caila in the tub in the nude.

 Quote of the Night: “I was waiting for my heart to catch up with my story.” – Caila referencing her boyfriend that she broke up with

Group Date: The Love Lab – This date is stupid. As Ben said, “I’m glad the results just confirmed every thing I was feeling.” Great. So we needed science to back it up. And not very good science. They put them on a treadmill and made Ben smell them all in the name of pheromones. I don’t know how this qualifies as a date, but if any man tried to smell my pheromones and describe them as “sour,” on a first date I would cut a you know what. I’m on the fence about who had it worse, Ben or the ladies. They also had each of the ladies wired up and sit behind a heat map and interact with Ben to get a reading, all while the other ladies watched on in uncomfortableness. Surprise, surprise, Olivia had the highest overall score for chemistry with Ben. Later, Ben tried to put the moves on her asking if they could do the nose touching one more time and then laid one on her. Smooth move, Ben. Olivia got the rose.

Cocktail Party: 

Lauren B.: Lauren B. is taking the lead. Ben H. wanted her to know he was thinking about her this week. He had a picture of their first night, where they are sitting and talking with each other. It might have made my heart stop for a moment. It was the most thoughtful thing. Gah! Ben’s sweetness is coloring my recaps. Normally, I would be like, a picture? You know what would be nice, Ben? Diamonds, like a lot them, in a circular fashion. But I can’t. It’s week 2 and he’s already throwing around thoughtful gifts that demonstrate he was thinking about her. You can’t have them all, Ben!

Single Mom Amanda: Single mom of two, Amanda, is still there and going strong. Ben says kids don’t scare him and to show how much they don’t scare him, he DIY’d the shit out of those barrettes. Take that Dad of the Year. Ben sat down with Amanda and hot glued roses onto hair barrettes for Amanda’s two little girls. On theme and on point. Who wore it better, though? Amanda’s two little girls or Chris Harrison on After the Rose? Or Ben?

Rose Ceremony:

LB Throws Up the Deuces: Lauren “LB” left just all of a sudden at the rose ceremony. She couldn’t take it. I’m betting she just didn’t want to end up like Lace, pegged with the crazy. Ben called her name and she pulled him aside and said, dude this is not for me. I’m ad-libbing, but I’m pretty sure she would have used the word dude.

Tweets of the Night: These tweets made me chuckle. It also serves as a nice flipbook of what I do with my single life on a Monday night.

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Screenshot 2016-01-11 20.18.11Screenshot 2016-01-11 20.19.09I’m not going to watch this The Bachelor Live nonsense. 3 hours of The Bachelor?You have got to be kidding me. Gah! Except that I did and this is what you can takeaway:

Jade and Tanner are getting married on ABC in the next couple of weeks. (Updated: It will be on Valentine’s Day.) Block off an entire weekend, Bachelor Fans, because you know it’s probably going to be a 2 to 3 to an eternity night special. Chris Harrison will be officiating as Jade and Tanner asked him on the spot so he could not refuse.

Ali Fedotowsky and Kaley CuoCo were guest stars via Skype. They talked about how Ali is pregnant and how she’s in her second trimester. They left out the shotgun wedding part.

Chris Soules’ laugh is still the most adorable thing to hit television. We took a trip down memory lane as they replayed the worst and arguably the best of seasons past. There was Rozlyn (of Jake Pavelka’s season), who had the sexy fling with one of the crew members. Naughty, naughty. It ended in the crew member jumping off of a balcony and breaking both of his legs. Ah the memories. There was the kiss counter for Chris Soules, which he had his eight-year-old, school girl giggle come out and remind me I still like Farmer Chris. A third Kris came out just to outdo the four Laurens I’m positive of it. Kris Jenner was by his side, providing commentary on the show. Say what you will of the Kardashians, but they are making a bajillion dollars by simply going about their every day life, which primarily includes just hanging out. And you watch it. And I watch it. Every day. And I want Caitlyn and Khloe to make up.And you know you want that too. Back to The Bachelor. 

ABC is really trying to replace their image from Juan Pablo’s disaster of a season by bringing on the wholesome Ben and sweet Farmer Chris and it’s working for me. I’m almost less upset by the fact that I dedicate 3 hours of my week to watch this.

Hitting the Heart Strings: They showed a clip of Jubilee giving Ben a bear decked out in army attire and said it was for any time he felt unloveable. And my cold heart melted. Then she had a sassy comeback that made me completely adore her. Ben’s innocent remark: “Can he sleep in bed with me?” Jubilee’s response: “Yeah, I mean yes, he can take my place.”

Chat App: This week I tried out HuckleApp, a group chat app for Twitter, that so skillfully had a chat on The Bachelor. My group of chatters included a guest from the finale of The Bachelor and gif-lovers. My kind of people. Super convenient for finding new Twitter friends, snarking on the show and all around debauchery. Monday nights are about to get more interesting.

Until next time, Bachelor Fans! More Lace, more Olivia, more twins! I’m just going to keep picking on the twins until they’re no longer here because it’s awesome and I actually kind of like them. They’re just along for the ride.