The Men Tell All. Two Guys You Don’t Remember. Gold Underwear. Style by Wills. And Tinder Matches.

The greatest moments of Men Tell All go to Wills’ reactions. Wills is a hero and a scholar and keeping it real the whole time. Meanwhile, Jordan is being Jordan and picked fights with two guys no one remembers from night one but really wanted to have their moment in the sun.

Quotes of the Night:

In the words of Rachel, Jason is keeping it 100. He rebuked Jean Blanc when Jean Blanc told Becca he loved her and then essentially took it back because he thought that was just what she had wanted to hear at the time. “Love is a powerful emotion and when someone uses that in need I have no respect for them. And Jean Blanc, you used it in need.” Mic Drop. Boom. We Out.

Leo to Jordan “You’re a modern day narcissist and you fell in love with yourself a long time ago.” Word. Ugh, I can’t wait for you to be on Bachelor in Paradise Leo! You da best.

Jordan “I should have worn a war vest.” I would like to know what a war vest is? Is it like a shield? A bullet proof vest? Just curious. Jordan likes to say that he owns space in people’s minds, real estate, billboards, the like.

Christon waving away all the heat coming at Jordan for busting out his gold underwear on a date. “That got him a rose who cares.” Christon is also keeping it 100.

Jordan Again “Are you gonna fall in or jump?” Jordan to David. And if you watch, please just rewind and forward Wills’ and Jason’s reactions to that comment because it is probably the best moment of the whole show.

In the Hot Seat

Jordan, Jordan, Jordan

“I wish we could get my portfolio out.” He was wearing his golden underwear.

Joe the Grocery Store Guy got one highlight reel. How was your experience? Pretty bad. I went home night one. *insert million dollar watt smile here*

Joe’s response to Chris Harrison’s question when fans come up to Joe, “They just wanna take pictures.” Sweet, sweet Joe is going to Paradise! And I see a little flirtation between him and Kendall!

Wills is a graphic designer and a style guru. He fell in love with Becca and was the winner of the night with his style, poise and reactions to all of the stuff the other men said.

Colton cried a little about the flack he got for being a virgin. I think he is on a podcast with Ashley I. and they discuss this together. I will find it for you and post it here.

The Almost Famous Podcast with Ashley I. and Ben Higgins

Kamil and Cristian brought it on with Jordan. If you don’t remember Kamil and Cristian from night one, you don’t need to. They are side characters that ring no bells. Kamil was a douche-bag that made Becca come 80% of the way to greet him when he got out of the limo. WTF. No. Ummm Becca is the Bachelorette. You should greet her. We do not like him. Those two night one rejects, called Jordan basic. Jordan fired back with endless pokes at them saying no one knew them.

Jordan’s favorite moment was watching his highlight reel. His smile was ear to ear. “He’s one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met.” – Becca. Us too, Becca. Us too.

Leo, because let’s be real is probably the real secret double 007, laughed at Jordan’s double 007 comment: “I’m not a double 007 guy all the time.”

Chris Harrison addressed Crazy Chris Chandler’s Secret Roommate on Friends Chris:

Chris Harrison: “Chis, what happened?”

Chris: Honestly responds with “The wheels fell off.”

Chris is on Bachelor in Paradise so I’m excited to see where that goes. Previews show him and Tiara.

Favorite, Favorite Quote:

After his arguments with Kamil and Cristian, Jordan got up and pointed at each of the Bachelors and assessed all the guys, saying, “You’re alright, you’re alright, you suck you suck, Grocery Store Joe, what’s up!” And gave Grocery Store Joe a high five.

The Recap Reel

ABC played a video of the season and all the drama and discord.

Wills blew Chris a kiss during the recap video when they had a little spat when Chris went off the rails for a bit. Adorbs.

Bachelor in Paradise

Chris Harrison promises a most dramatic season yet. If you are watching it is every Monday and Tuesday night. So be prepared to give up your first half of your weeks, or just read up on my belated-aiming-for-on-time recaps!

Cast so far: Eric, Krystal, Kendall and Bibiana, Leo, Joe the Grocer, John the Venmo guy, Colton, Tia, Annaliese the crier, Caroline, Jubilee, Jenna, Dave, Jordan (let the feud continue!), Astrid, Chelsea, Chris, Connor, Jenna, Kenny the wrestler, Kevin the Canadian, Nick, Nysha, Yuki (as bartender), Wells (as bartender)

Bachelor in Paradise Cast Revealed on ABC.com

Yuki is back as a bartender helper!

Things I’m not looking forward to in Paradise: Jordan and David

Takeaway everyone loves Becca who is apparently super good at bringing closure to the dudes, and Chris brought back the choir to apologize for his behavior on the show. Amazing.

Bloopers 

Chris Harrison our man. On the debate date in Virginia, Chris told a young girl in the crowd, “This is actually what happens if you drop out of school.”

John did math on Jordan’s claimed Tinder match rate and it was epic. The average match rate assumed is 7. So assume 10 percent chance of 11 matches means needed to per day view 1,000 people…or something like that. “That’s bigger than the population of Orlando!” John announces!

Best Men Tell All ever.