If you only watch one episode this entire season of Bachelor in Paradise, let it be this one (like specifically the Tuesday night episode). Krystal was actually hilarious. She saged the girls after a night of bad juju from Jordan’s anger. She also had the most hilarious quote thus far this season. Kudos to Krystal.

Krystal in response to Jordan throwing the giant dog in the ocean: “Dude! You can’t litter.” Yas, queen, yas.

Joe corrected Wells saying Jordan actually choked out the giant dog and then threw it into the ocean. I love Joe.

Speaking of Joe. Kendall is all torn and confused when Leo rolls into town. Kendall and Leo both live in LA. He’s like a real-life Fabio with that hair. Kendall has a connection with Joe, but I don’t think he gets her all hot and bothered like Leo. That will fade, Kendall! TeamJoe. Grocery Store Joe. Forever and always. That smile.

Chelsea is throwing it out on the table. All of her cards, just right there for all to see. I’ve never seen her so flustered when Leo walked in to town. Leo noticed this and immediately went to her after his date with Kendall. He also talked to Analiese. He’s making the rounds.

Leo and Kendall went on a date to a pool where they had a photo shoot for the cover of a romance novel. Kendall was surprised to learn that she was the only one to call Leo the cover of a romance novel.

The romance novel was shot with all of these old bachelor and bachelorettes to come play a part. It was terrible. Arie will never leave. This annoyed me. No one cares. You may fast forward through this part of the episode.

Back to Jordan. His outfit was the best and received many a funny comment. One said the outfit reminded her of the monkey from Aladdin. Another Malibu Ken. Which is accurate and so funny. Caroline received props for making that connection and the monologue that followed, saying, “Chill out, Malibu Ken. It’s all going to be ok. We’ll drive back in your Malibu Ken mobile and it’ll be alright.” Or something like that. Seriously, watch the episode and you don’t even have to know what’s been going on up to that point and you’ll be so happy you did.

Best Part of the Episode is when Jordan and Joe are talking on the couch together and Joe describes Kendall’s date she had with Leo to Jordan. Two little peas in a pod.

Joe: I don’t like that. Do you like that?

Jordan: No, I don’t like that. I don’t like that at all. What did they do on the date?

Joe: They re-enacted a romantic novel.

Jordan: Pauses. Smiles. Tries to hold in his laughter. Can’t and says, “I’m sorry, but how the *bleep* do you do that?”

Joe laughs. It’s hilarious. Jordan bursts out laughing in the best authentic laugh I’ve heard all season. I’ll post it below.

Jordan and Joe Another Great Moment

When Leo gets back from Kendall’s date, Jordan narrates: “Leo is talking to every girl here right now. I din’t know how their date went, but he seems to be in a good place. Joe is drinking.”

Jordanisms 1. Bachelor in Paradise 0.

Also Jordan about Leo: “He can’t just come in here and destroy the community.”

Jordanisms 2. Bachelor in Paradise 0.

Jordan: “I’m not delirious. I’m hydrated and well-fed.

Jordanisms 3. Bachelor in Paradise 0.

Jordan, Joe, and Chris all sitting by the pool. Chris to Joe (about Kendall going on a date with Leo): You have diamond blue eyes. How could she not like you.

Joe to Chris: My eyes are green. (pause) But y’know they fluctuate.

And that is why America fell in love with Grocery Store Joe. Also, random thought. Every bartender should have a drink-themed name. Wells has well drinks. Yuki we’ll get back to.

Benoit, the Canadian who proposed to crazy Claire on Bachelor Winter Games, is back for love and finding another blonde lady. And he’s out to steal Jordan’s girl. David was just messing with Jordan when he gave a giant stuffed dog gift to Jenna, because David is crazy. But Benoit is actually ready to steal Jenna from Jordan. He took Jenna on a date and wooed her with his French and French kissing in the street. He carried her. She carried him. It was sweet. Malibu Ken wrote her a giant apology in the sandy beach when Jenna returned from her date.

Date Cards went to Colton who took Tia. And to Leo who took Kendall on a date. And Benoit who took Jenna.

Raven, Tia’s best friend showed up on the date and made Tia look at the hard stuff. Dude! She finally just got her man! Let her live, Raven! Tia cried to Colton again. In the end Colton asked Tia to be his girlfriend. So yay, Raven.

Raven also had the best quote of the night, because honey don’t play: “But if this ends badly, I’m gonna cut his penis off and he can’t ever lose his virginity.” And I don’t doubt that for one second. As we’ll remember, Raven is the one that came in with the story about an ex-boyfriend that she caught cheating with someone else and threw a stiletto at him and his lover. I hear she has good aim. Back woods Raven may be coming out.

Even Yuki who speaks a few words of English is like Why the eff aren’t Colton and Tia a couple? Yes, Yuki, yes.

And Jenna with the sweetest quote: “I want to find love. I just don’t want it to get taken away.” Bring it in, sister.

Couples you need to know about: Astrid and Kevin the Canadian. Angela and Eric. Chelsea has been choosing David for some unkown reason. Analiese and Kenny. Krystal and ?. John and Jubilee. Colton and Tia. Chris and Krystal.

Love Triangles Kendall and Joe and now Leo. Jordan and Jenna and now Benoit.

Also, let’s never forget, Bibiana, the true hero of paradise. The coach bringing people together. May she find love outside of Mexico.


John is telling Chelsea some jokes. And some go over her head, but John is so sweet to continue pressing on. He’s actually pretty hilarious. Yes, I had doubts! But you’ve won me over Venmo the Brains John! Jokes:

“Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“Ask me if I wear deodorant.” Do you wear deodorant? “Sure.”

“Ask me again.” Do you wear deodorant? *lowers voice* “It’s a secret.”

Tweets from All the Episodes: Mostly dedicated to Grocery Store Joe and Jenna because they bring joy and happiness to all. Jenna was referring to her not really there bikini and then killing it on social. Joe’s is in reference to Chris trying to play the field and using a pick-up line on Krystal.

There wasn’t a rose ceremony last week. This week the ladies have the roses and are handing them out to the men.

Hurricane Leo rolled in to town and it’s about to get soaked with crazy tonight! Tune in at 8|7c Monday and Tuesday on ABC for Bachelor in Paradise.