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You know Colton is a virgin? Okay, great. Glad we got that out in the open. Now let’s get to Wine and Judgement!

This season is filled with talk about Colton’s experience in the bedroom. There has to be something else to talk about. I mean he’s driving a pretty cool Bronco, he’s smoking hot in the looks department (amirite!), an ex-pro athlete and runs a non-profit. Anything? Also, he is the first known man to hop the Bachelor Mansion fence. Let’s talk about that!

Who got kicked off: The black X’s are ladies let go Week 1 and the red X’s are ladies let go Week 2. I feel it’s important for you to know Alex D. from Boston was the Sloth.

Week 1: First Impressions

Did you know Colton is a Virgin? You did? Ok, Cool. Immagonna tell you again. Let’s just accept it. This is the story for the season. I can guarantee it. If you’re turning it into a drinking game, you are a brave, brave soul, and I commend you on your valiant efforts. God speed.

Demi was the first one to step out of the limos and the first one to point blank tell Colton she hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12.

Caitlin brought a red balloon that looked like an apple, gave it to Colton and popped it, while saying, “Looks like I popped your cherry.” Dear, Lord.

Katie had him pick a card from a deck and took it back from him, showed a V printed on it and informed him that she took his “V” card. We like Katie so I’ll let this one slide.

Erika even asked him point blank what’s up with that? She went home.

Coolest Rides: Tracy showed up in a police car. Don’t know who she knows in the police force, but I want that connection. She told Colton she was the fashion police. 

Erin showed up in an actual Cinderella carriage wearing a Cinderella dress. She went home.

Matching Dresses: Speaking of fashion, Heather, who has never been kissed, and Laura showed up in the same dress. Entertainment Weekly interviewed the stylist, Cary Fetman, from the show hinting that was going to happen. The stylist only dresses The Bachelor/ette, no longer giving advice to the ladies/men in the house.

Best Fake Accent: Bri came rolling up with a fake Australian accent. Ballsy.

Best Costume: And our beloved Alex D. from Boston rolled up in a Sloth costume. Her opening line was “I hear you take things sloooowwww.” Still my favorite part of the season was Colton’s response and giddy grin, saying “It’s a sloth!”

Beauty Queens: Colton has two beauty queens this time around. Fun fact: They shared a room at the Miss USA pageant, and aren’t the best of friends. So that’s fun. Miss North Carolina is Caelynn and she wore her sash and had Miss Underwood printed on it. Hannah B. is Miss Alabama and lost to Caelynn in the pageant. Caelynn was first runner up in Miss USA 2018 and Hannah B. did not place. Vulture unpacks their feud and visits their Instagrams, which looks like we need to talk with Miss Louisiana for a final ruling. PopSugar and Bustle also talked about the feud.

Who was kissed night one? Colton kissed 3 ladies night one: Beauty Queen Caelynn (Miss North Carolina), Katie, and Hannah G.

Who got the first impression rose? Hannah G. Colton says Hannah G. reminds him of home. He also repeated this at the live show. Storing that tidbit away for later. Hannah G. brought a gold box in a gold dress that was empty, gave it to Colton and told him that she brought him his favorite kind of underwear. Saucy.

Best Props: Sydney the NBA dancer (but maybe not, still not sure if she has a job or not) had a string quartet play. I don’t know if Sydney knows if she has a job or not.

The ladies upon seeing the instruments: “Omg it’s an orchestra!”
No no no, there are no horns. (Onyeka brings that later.) Those are string instruments!
Elyse from Alaska took him fishing in the pool
Tayshia had a whole fun park set up for her, including cornhole and pony rides.
Tracy busted out the arts and crafts, and asked if they could color a little bit more when she was interrupted by Catherine who made some frenemies by stealing Colton away 4 times throughout the night.
Boldest Line of the Night: Onyeka blew a whistle in her snorkel mask and proudly proclaimed, “I heard you were drowning in some bitches and I came to save you.” Eek.
Cassie, who we also love, is a speech pathologist and taught him sign language
The sloth got in the tree and that was awesome. I really think Alex the sloth and Alexis the dolphin/shark from season’s past will be best friends one day.

Week 2: First Dates

Colton’s ride is an orange Ford Bronco. Kudos to my dad for helping identify. That’s going to be a fun game. I’ll find out the rest of The Bachelor/ette’s rides from season’s past because I feel like that is fun to know.

First Group Date: Megan Mullaly from Will and Grace and her husband Nick Offerman from Parks and Rec greeted the ladies in the theatre with some stand-up. The ladies did stand-up at a theatre and went over “Their First ____.” They got to fill in the blank. Colton was first to go and surprise, surprise shared about the first time he told a teammate he was a virgin. STOP FEEDING THE PROBLEM, COLTON. Demi layed a kiss on Colton with her speech. Elyse owned the fact she was a cougar, and Elyse got the rose on the group date. (All hail red-headed Elyse’s!) Cougars: 1. Demi: 0. (Scroll down for clarification.)

Elyse Leader of the Cougar Den

During their one-on-one time on the group date, Colton was so impressed with Elyse’s speech and loved that she “could teach him a thing or two.” He also told her age was but a number. Elyse agreed saying that life could have dealt you a lot of cards at a young age or none at all at an older age. It’s what you go through. They kissed and she got the rose.

This is A Story of The First Girl Who Touched the Group Date Rose: Before that though, Demi came out of her one-on-one time with Colton and touched the group date rose before it was handed out. I repeat. She TOUCHED the group date rose. That shit is sacred. And Tracy was quick to tell her that. Tracy had a minor meltdown about the disrespect shown to this here rose. Get it Tracy. But also I think you may be one of the first to have a breakdown.

First One-on-One: Beauty Queen #2 Hannah B., got the first one-on-one date and a rose. Aside from the fact that she was attempting to be perfect on their date, Colton kept her around. They went horseback riding in Vasquez Rocks to a hot tub in the desert. They also sat on one of those cabana areas that are always in the two-on-one dates where someone goes home. Those are never a great start to a date. It spells trouble. During the date, Hannah B. couldn’t even make a simple toast because she got so uncomfortable. Vulnerability spotted within the system. Exploit, exploit, EXPLOIT, say the producers. I am sure we’ll see more of this tonight.

Second Group Date: Summer Camp was the theme and it became an overnight date for half of the ladies. The ladies were split into two teams for a camp-style obstacle race that the red team won. There were canoe races, three-legged races and a tug-of-war. Heather, who has never been kissed, got the rose on the group date.

The Cocktail Party

At the cocktail party, all that kept popping into my head when Colton shouted, “Let’s make a toast!” was how much Beauty Queen Hannah B. (Miss Alabama) must be cringing in her gown.

Onyeka used an air horn to get Colton’s attention and steal him away from Sydney. One lady responded: “Is this to give us more anxiety because we already have it.”

Sydney responded by banging a pot. Twitter responded with images from Big Brother. It’s about to get interesting.

The Fantasy Closet: Demi showed up in a white bathrobe at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony and took Colton to a room dubbed the Fantasy Closet and gave him a massage. All the ladies were pissed.

Quote of the Night: By our girl, Elyse: “In my experience, when you put on a robe and go in private to shut the door, it’s not to play rock, paper, scissors.”

The Age War:  Demi is making this a war on age and I WILL CRUSH HER. As informed by Elyse, all the ladies 27+ have nominated themselves as Colton’s Cougars and labeled their room in the house as Colton’s Cougar Den. Give me a Twitter handle for that immediately. Demi is going to talk age all day long.

“Do you know what you did to Tracy?” Tracy had another minor meltdown after Demi took Colton upstairs. And all the ladies attacked Demi when she came back, saying, “Do you know what you did to Tracy?” Demi in her interview mocked it in a great voice and she actually went to apologize to Tracy, which was new. There is hope for this batch of ladies yet.

Previews of the upcoming season shows us that Colton jumps the Bachelor Mansion fence and just peaces out. Kid’s got hops, that’s for sure. In an interview with Access, he reveals he got spooked by some wildlife and returns back to the mansion and that Chris Harrison attempted to hop the fence as well. Fingers crossed it appears in the Blooper reel. Don’t let me down, ABC!

For reference: Hannah B. is Miss Alabama and Caelynn is Miss North Carolina. Lock that away.

Best Quotes of the Season thus far: “It’s a sloth!” – Colton

“Do you know what you did to Tracy?” – Demi

And we still don’t know what content Hannah G. (the Content Creator) is creating.

Also, Colton is a virgin. Just checking if you were paying attention.

Bonus Fun Fact: E! News talks about how Colton met and dated former Olympic gold medalist Aly Raisman. Funnily enough, just like Wes and Modern Family’s Sarah Hyland, they met on Twitter. It’s not just a social media site for your news, it could be the new, trendiest dating app. So go out there people and get your celebrity match and fall happily in love!

 

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