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It’s Simple Math: Luke P. Sucks. Hannah B. is not Mike’s Fourth Queen. Jed Thinks Enlish And American are Basically Equivalent. And Luke P. is Stilly Annoyingly Around Like a Bacteria. Give Us the Windmill!
The crew was in Hague, Netherlands and Utrecht, Netherlands this episode, biking and horseback riding around. And just like that we’re headed to hometowns. Monday we’re headed to the hometowns of Peter the Pilot, Tyler C., Jed and Luke P.
Who got kicked off: Connor, Garrett the Golfer, and beautiful Mike were sent home.
One-on-One Date: Jed got the first one-on-one date. They went around the Netherlands to a chocolate shop and clicked their heels in the street. They also met a couple that had been married for 54 years and got married only 10 days after knowing each other. She said it was written in the stars.
Best Quote of the Night: When the couple asked Jed and Hannah where they were from, Jed responded with “We’re English.” Hannah gave him a look like what? And corrected him, “No, we’re American.” It. Was. The. Best.
At dinner, Hannah Beast told Jed she was falling in love with him. And all it took was a moment where they tried to click their heels. That’s it, Hannah? That’s all it took? Hmph. Jed responded with, “My heart just fell through the floor.” Hard to tell with that one. No-Emotion-Jed was apparently over the moon. Anyway, yay Jed. He said he wouldn’t be able to sleep for the next three days and Hannah told him, “Maybe I can help with that,” as she reached for the rose to give to Jed. Cute.
One-on-One Date: Tyler C. got the next one-on-one date. He went horseback riding. Kind of. More of a asked-the-horses-politely-to-do-things-they-didn’t-want-to-do-while trying-to-get-treats-from-street-vendors. It was entertaining. They had pickled herring. Tyler C. almost barfed it out. Hannah kept interrupting and pushing Tyler to express his emotions. He said he was getting in his head. Hannah asked him how he was getting in his head. I feel like that doesn’t require explanation, like that is self-explanatory. In my head. Not sure how to explain that further. Anywhoozle, Tyler C. explained at dinner that he has a hard time opening up because of his parents divorce and how his dad came from nothing. That’s the nitty gritty Hannah was looking for. Hannah B. gave him a rose but not before saying she didn’t want to communicate in her relationship like her parents do. Take a sip of wine, Hannah B., your parents are watching.
Their date ended with more horses. A horse-drawn carriage. At least they didn’t have to direct them this time. Too soon?
Connor went to see Hannah B. after her date with Tyler C. When Tyler came back to the hotel, Jed was like Connor was kind of upset but I haven’t seen much of him since then. Like how do you not know when one of the guys is missing from the teeny, tiny hotel room? Riddle me that. Anyway, Connor went to talk to Hannah and Hannah told him he had faded in the group dates. Connor went home.
One-on-One Date: Mike got the third one-on-one date, also known as Bike with Mike Day. Hannah and Mike went on a bike ride in the Netherlands. They rode all the way to an art studio Doe Het Nu.
Oh snap! The drawings they drew can only be described as scary and fantastic.
Hannah B.’s Drawing of Mike
Mike’s Drawing of Hannah B.
“We know what we’re good at. We’re gonna stick to what we’re good at.” – Mike
The artist who hosted them was so kind. She didn’t make fun of their drawings once, which must have taken a lot of will power. What a gem. Then she drew Hannah and Mike together.
At dinner, Hannah B. balled. She said something about a painting of all these guys fighting around some lady and she was like THAT IS MY LIFE. But really it’s not, it’s just Luke P., but anyway. It was odd. Hannah B. balled. Mike asked if he could give her a hug and Hannah B. said she needed a hug. Then she told him she could not be his fourth queen and Mike descended like a baller.
But like look how suave that exit looked:
“It’s the hardest good-bye because of how good of a human Mike is,” Hannah B. said. 100 percent. Match set for next Bachelor running.
“Mike deserves to be loved fiercely just as much as I do,” said Hannah.
Best Quote of the Night: Goes out to my man Tyler C.
“The worst thing about all of this is that we have a villain, and usually the villain is some big tall dude. But we got a 5′ 8” villain. YAASSSSS! I think I snorted wine out of my nose on that one.
Luke P.’s response, “Did that make you feel better?”
Tyler C. smiled that adorable smile and said, “Yeah, just throwing that out there.”
Peter the Pilot’s Reaction amazing.
That whole exchange made the episode great.
Additional Great Quote of the Night: Shoutout to the Tyler C.: “When there’s 15 guys in the house and 14 guys don’t like you maybe it’s not they’re the problem, maybe it’s I’M the problem.” Wisdom.
Luke P. was like “14 guys don’t like me.”
Tyler C. retorted, “You’re right, now there’s 5 guys that can’t stand you.”
Producers came in and took Mike’s luggage. Luke P. got a smirk on his face and said, “It’s simple math.” Eye roll. Now all of America and the Netherlands hate you. Calculate that, Luke P.
Group Date: At the start of the group date, Hannah B. told producers, “I hope my mind can be comfortable with what my heart wants.” That’s not your heart talking Hannah B. That’s Luke P.’s manipulation!
Second Funniest Quote of the Night: Goes to Garrett when he turns to Peter the Pilot after Luke P. steals Hannah away: “So you want to take the two roses and run?”
Luke P. used his time with Hannah to volunteer information that Garrett was being fake with him and that Jed said, “Yeah, I have advice from you, try to keep your head out of your ass.” No, no. Jed didn’t say that. Also, later Luke P. said that Hannah B. asked him about the house, when in reality she didn’t. Luke P. outright started with those accusations, no prodding needed. Garrett saw right through it and went out with a good couple of laughs. Oh, how Luke P. boils my blood. Red flags, Hannah! RED FLAGS! Roll Tide.
Next Funny Quote of the Night: Hannah B. to Luke P.: “I don’t get why people won’t be kind to you.”
Maybe it’s because he put bologna all over Garrett’s lap, because he is a child.
Luke P.’s manipulation continued, “Do you remember being on this side?” Luke P. trying to relate and flip the tables and toy with Hannah B.’s emotions. What a dick.
Next Funny Quote of the Night: Goes to Garrett talking to Luke P. on the couch. “Oh, I do know you and I’ll double point on that one. Double pistols.” It was pretty great.
Dinner time on the group date was awkward. Peter the Pilot got a rose on the group date and one rose was left, leaving Garrett and Luke P. to battle it out. Luke P. talked about religion. He found Jesus in the shower and the heavens opened. I mean…If the heavens opened for you, why are you such a dick?
He also talked about chasing sex until he had his shower epiphany, which makes me pissed that that’s the reason he’s cutting Hannah B. down on the account that she has had sex. I see no connection. It’s blasphemous and all around sh*tty.
“It was really cool to hear him share his testimony. Although, I didn’t know exactly how his faith came into play in his life,” Hannah said. But Luke P. stays. Yeah, sounds right. Blah!
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Peter the Pilot was greeted with the best run-jump-hug from Tyler C. and it was nothing short of amazing.
Tweets of the Night:
Hometowns are next week! Let’s gooooo. But not to Luke P.’s. I could do without that. In the previews of the coming weeks, Hannah flips off Luke P. as he exits in a limo because she DID IT IN A WINDMILL. And then she tells the camera that they did it a second time. Yes, mama. Yes. Give me the windmill! Break it down. With who? What windmill? When? Was it good? I need to know.